Failure is an interesting phenomenon. It seems to always have a negative connotation as it signifies falling short of a pre-determined goal. However, on the same hand, we often hear the cliched “Failure is the stepping stone to success”. So, is it good to fail or not? As I keep thinking about, a few interesting things come to mind. Some of the best relationships are always based on trust and trust often seems to build only when things don’t seem to be going one’s way. Which means the event of failing is not an existential threat but an opportunity to build trust-based relationships. As another cliched saying goes, “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. And probing deeper, I seem to realize that these relationships happened because they had empathy in them.
In my past life, I used to be a Design Thinking Practitioner. One of the key aspects of Design Thinking and its success in carving out “out-of-the-box” solutions to problems was the inert nature of empathy. It is the ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point of view rather than your own. This means that in difficult (aka failure situations), it is important to empathize. Very often than not, I find that instead of empathizing, we do one of the following
- Offer sympathy. Albeit camouflaged under the guise of understanding, this often causes the opposite effect. One simple example of this phenomenon is that this is something that the person undergoing the failure least needs. He/she needs you to understand their pain and not your interpretation of their pain. A common example of this which we can see is when somebody has an accident and slips and falls down. The immediate reaction from somebody who is offering sympathy “Oh my god, couldn’t you have been more careful?”. Very likely, one falls down because of some other unforeseen mishap rather than being careless and when such sympathy is offered, it really irritates the hell out of them. After all, what goes in their head is that “You want to be so perfect that I don’t even the liberty to slip and fall down by mistake”
- Offer a readymade boiler-plate solution. This also happens more frequently as we get into problem solving mode without defining the problem. Very often, the solution is quite clear and the reason for the failure is because the person had a few constraints which prevented them from implementing the solution successfully. What they need at that point is not a re-emphasis of the solution or a new one but very likely a calm introspection on how the impediments could be removed. If a boy fails in an exam, the readymade solution is “you should have worked harder” or “Let me get you into a new coaching class”. Nobody stops to see that if the solution were that easy, it probably would have got done in the first place.
- Hey, I told you so. This is again one of the more frequent interventions that happen in failed situations especially in parenting situations. Of course, most parents wouldn’t want their kids to do the same mistakes that they did and so very often the “I told you so” tends to repeat. This reaction is still fine if the person is repeating the mistake “ faced require a judgemental call between alternating solutions. And it is quite possible that one could have been successful in taking the not-so-conventional path (in fact several game changing solutions are often achieved by trying un-conventional things). The “I told you so” really makes the recipient feel extremely low and often exacerbates the situation
In my humble view, in all the above situations, the common running theme for the lack of empathy is the inability to “listen”. Or alternately the absolute lack of humility in subconsciously assuming that the person undergoing the failure cannot sort out things and it is our prerogative to set this right. In extreme situations, some would call it the haughtiness of “Trying to play god”. We could always euphemize it under the pretext of caring, but they rarely solve the issue.
Empathy cannot be achieved by Reacting but only by Responding. Response doesn’t require one to get into a problem-solving mode. It is about creating an environment where the other person feels “safe to fail”. What I mean by this is that the victim feels open to discussing about the situation without having to think about if he is being judged or if this will ever be used against him/her in the future and more importantly without him/her being made to feel small. Do remember that the victim has attempted the race and fallen short and has therefore gained some understanding of the magnitude of the challenge. This is a significant edge over somebody who has not attempted it. They would like to be respected for this. By reacting in one of the ways outlined above, we actually disrespect this and thereby the tend to shut themselves out to the counsel even if it is the right thing to do.
So how do we fix this? Very simply accept that all of us need a “Safe place to fail”. As mentioned above, the best relationships are often forged when such an environment is created. The victims often figure out the next step forward in such environments and come out of it refreshed. They need to feel a sense of pride in sorting out things themselves. And so, to create that environment for our dear ones, we need to be patient and listen to them. Ask probing questions, so that they can be guided towards alternatives, but it will have to done with patience and care. Simple and effective solutions are often created in such environments and not in the eruptions that occur when we don’t empathize with the persons undergoing the trauma.
It is important to remember that “Trust” and “Respect” don’t have to emphasized by words but by actions. You don’t have to tell somebody that you trust or respect them but if you show empathy in your actions, the trust and respect would be felt. One of my mentors used to tell me that
” Trust is not about having belief in other person’s ability to get the job done. It is about empowering them with the right capabilities to get the job done but also recognizing that they are human and that they may fail despite having all the best intent and tools at their disposal. It is about giving them the leeway to not just succeed but also assuring them that you have their back if things don’t go to plan. It is about empathizing with them especially when they are down”
To quote the American politician Bill Bullard, “Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge… is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self-kind of understanding.”
Experiential Musings 